Hate Mail 101

We all hate somebody. It’s in our blood. We can’t help but hate a few people, and in certain special circumstances, we hate someone so much that we are prepared to do anything to make their lives miserable. Irrespective of our religious beliefs, line of work, nationality or faith, we hate people.

We hate a few because of the way they talk. We hate a few because of the way they laugh. Sometimes, their reactions to a few situations makes our blood boil. Some people’s tastes in music makes us want to tear our hair out in frustration. We don’t like the way some people dress. We hate it when some people crowd around us, invading our personal space. We hate some people for the kind of emails they send. We hate some people because they say, “Reeeealy??” in a very very irritating manner for every little statement we make. Some people are very clingy and can’t help sending text messages every two minutes with an irritatingly sentimental quote. We hate some guys because they become gender-confused and start writing shit like *HUGS*, just to impress women.  We hate some people who lie. We hate a few for being mean and heartless. We hate people who make false promises. Sometimes, very rarely, we hate someone just because they exist.

What can we do when we bump into such people? I’d suggest the straight-forward means of screaming into their faces, “I fucking hate you!” but this may not go down well with most people. The other, subtle non-violent way of pissing them off is to write them a Hate Mail.

I’ve been receiving Hate Mails all my life, and I can say with authority that there is a changing trend in the way these mails are worded. A few years ago, a piece of paper torn out from a notebook with the words, “You suck!” constituted a Hate Mail. But nowadays, the same two words have a very erotic implication, and isn’t used much often.

Instead, people have resorted to a more flowery longhand version – the email. Some are brave enough to send the mail from their own email ID, but most people would take the trouble to create a new email ID called something like ihateyourballs@gmail.com or something more subtle like a.hole@gmail.com. and send out Hate Mails to the objects of their hatred.

I don’t really suggest you do this, because such incriminating emails have a very strong possibility of being mistaken for the work of a terrorist or worse, the HR Managers. So, I suggest you send Hate Mails from your own email ID, because as they say in Hindi, “Nafrat kiya toh darna kya?” (Why fear if you hate?)

Be your flowery best, use words like fornication and obfuscation and make them believe that you’re praising them. For example, “Your ability to obfuscate others is awe-inspiringly fornicative!” will actually make him/her feel proud. Only when the person refers to a dictionary will he/she get your drift.

The best Hate Mails are written as part of the final goodbye emails that you write while leaving an organization. People are expecting the usual sentimental shit and you give them that: “My time here in this great organization was an anachronism – a testament to my patience.”

So, let’s be prepared to send out those email that you’ve always saved in drafts and never had the guts to send. You can practice writing Hate Mails by sending them to me and i’ll revert with critiques. Make sure you put “Hate Mail” in the subject line!

---

Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)

• Skeletons In My Closet!
• The 6 signs of insanity!
• H-2-O!!
• Another stupid chain mail that should go to hell