Virginia Tobacco :)

Note: The following post is protected under strict copyright laws, owned by Nam and her Nandu Mama. Copying this material or using it in any context without the explicit written and/or verbal permission of both the owners is punishable by the just laws of the glorious country of Sheikla Abbu. The following is not a true story, however, any resemblance to any person or animal, living or dead, has been included deliberately after a great deal of procrastination. Thanks to Nam for keeping me awake last night with this fascinating tale of deception, treachery and greed. I would have dozed off if it weren’t for her. πŸ™‚

Once upon a time, in an imagination far, far colorful, lived a Sheik who ruled over the glorious country of Sheikla Abbu. He had a thousand camels and a thousand horses and a thousand elephants and a thousand ten wives. He had an enormous palace, where he used to spend time with his wives and eat the best food in all of Abbu, drink the finest wine, listen to the best music and dance to the best tunes. He was also a bit greedy.

The Sheik was an accomplished warrior, who had conquered his enemies far and wide and wanted to expand his kingdom even more. So, against the wishes of his wives and wise men, he set out, leading his huge army south, to the kingdom of Virginia. This name is not to be confused with its namesake in the USA. He led the army through blistering deserts and freezing nights, and finally reached the doors of the castle in Virginia. They had been traveling for a thousand days and all were tired, including the Sheik.

He knew that if he declared war in his state of fatigue, he would lose terribly. So, he extended a hand of friendship to the ruler of Virginia, who gave the Sheik a pack of Virginia Tobacco, as a gesture of good faith. This is where our story kicks off into a bizarre world of madness. For two years he completely forgot about this packet of cigarettes in his possession, and went about his daily routines. Once, while cleaning out his writing desk, he found the unopened pack of Virginia Tobacco lying there, under a heap of death warrants.

Curious to try it out, the Sheik took out a cigarette from the pack and took a drag from the sweet tobacco, he could hear someone counting – “One, Two, Three, Four, Five…” in his ear, loudly. He looked around him, astonished at seeing no one, and yet, the voice was very clear in his mind. Someone had counted loudly and he had heard them! So, in his confused rage, he ordered the heads of all his guards to be chopped off.

The next day, when he was sitting on the banks of the river, he took out another cigarette and started smoking it. As soon as he took the first drag, he could bear someone counting again – “Five, Six, Seven, Eight…” and this time, the voice seemed to be very near to him. He looked around, and finding no one, ordered all his animals to be beheaded. No one dared to question his madness when he was in one of his rages. He sat back down and took another drag of the cigarette. Again, as before, he heard counting in his head – “Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen…” and he got really really freaked!

He started stripping down his robes, thinking that there could have been some sort of black magic going on. As he removed his shirt, something fell down to the ground. It was the pack of Virginia Tobacco. He picked it up and for the first time, read what was written on the pack.

“Virginia Tobacco: The Tobacco That Counts!” πŸ˜€

Published by Nikhil

Nikhil Kumar lives in Bangalore with his wife and their stuffed dog. They are both advertising professionals and lead very exciting lives on the streets, dodging traffic. Their fridge is filled with cans of Diet Coke and their water heater doesn't work. He doesn't smoke (up) anymore.

16 thoughts on “Virginia Tobacco :)

  1. u r fucking insane. i really like that damn shit. awesome story. made me feel as if i was reading to one of the stories from arabian nights. lol. just accelerated into future. lol. good stuff man. keep going !!!

  2. Yappaaa! You ALWAYS do this! I should have guessed the ending would be something out of the box! Had been years since I’d read a story that started with “once upon a time…”
    Psst…How come all your Titles end with a “:)” these days?

  3. @Vishesh
    Yes, I have! “long live the king! the king is dead!”… right? πŸ™‚

    glad u liked it… πŸ™‚

    buhahahaha!!! gotcha!! You should’ve realized it’s gonna be some insanely weird PJ… πŸ˜€
    and about the “:)’ i dunno, if the post is a funny one, i use that… just like that… no apparent reason πŸ˜€

  4. AAArrghhhh!!! I am gonna kill you!!!! πŸ‘Ώ Its 2 am here and I am still awake and I was reading this with so much interest. 😐

  5. @Vishesh
    I love that poem man! It’s so damn hilarious!

    Story of my life, so far! πŸ˜€

    hehehe… this is what is called a pot-boiler!! Not because its so exciting, but because u’ll boil me alive in a pot after reading this! πŸ˜€

  6. Nikhil
    Awesome story, I loved it. and I spread it through mail everywhere. Just sent link actually, I respect copyright and fear LAW πŸ˜€ (Now I am back to reading your pending posts πŸ™‚ )


  7. @Suda
    Thanks man… I’m glad you liked it..!! πŸ™‚
    read all of them and comment! πŸ™‚

    Welcome to MirrorCracked…!!!
    Give me an example of your jokes, only then can we judge who’s worse! πŸ˜€

  8. @ Yaake- OMG No.1 for changing your themes just like the Sheikh changed his wives!! hope you don’t apply the same to your married life πŸ˜‰
    OMG No.2 -what the crazy hell was this story? I read it with great interest and guess what I liked it??? In the lonely escapades I am getting senile-
    OMG no.3 I have started liking crazy stories….

    Save me O’Lord from Yaake’s atrocities!!!

    senile and alzheimeric,
    fruity πŸ˜‰

  9. Hahaha LOL — I m chuckling to No end on this one. Darn – are you praticing to be a story telling once you reach your prime age?

  10. @meghana
    this theme looks sexy, doesn’t it? I wonder how i missed it before!! πŸ˜€

    NO NO, my married life will be drab and dull, machi…:D
    you liked this story? Wow! Nice!!! See, you were right! Most likely to have the same random thought!! πŸ˜€
    And my atrocities are directed at the Funny Bone! πŸ˜€

    heh heh heh!!! πŸ˜€

    Maybe..!! Still flirting with conventional careers as of now… So, lets see where life takes me! πŸ˜€

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