Thanks For All The Spit!

There comes a time in every PR guy’s quotidian life when he questions himself thus:

  1. Who am I?
  2. What am I supposed to be doing?
  3. Where are my pants?

I did this yesterday and realized that I could answer two-thirds of the above questionnaire and felt very happy about myself. Just because I am in a good mood, I will share my responses with you.

Who am I?

A mildly confused, over-ambitious, relatively ignorant (I ignore my relatives), slightly overweight, extremely shortsighted, creatively challenged, socially active, coffee guzzling, beer loving, nicotine liking, technologically superior neanderthal. I wear worn-out clothes to work. My clients like me and the media is noncommittal, but I’m sure they like me too. I care deeply for a few people and for a few people, my care runs shallow.

What am I supposed to be doing?

Apparently, I am supposed to be working hard, trying to pretend that I know what I am doing. I accomplish this task with a positive nonchalance.  I am supposed to be wrapping up the day’s work early, today being a Friday. I am supposed to be thinking of newer pick-up lines for the sweet girl who thinks I am being not serious when I say I like her a lot.

Where are my pants?

I have no idea. Someone stole a pair of my jeans yesterday night, when they had been hung out to dry. The only reason I had washed them in the first place was because someone spit on them. Yup, you read it right. Someone spit on them. Stuck in traffic yesterday morning at 8:00 am, on my way to work, I was thinking how a day could begin any worse.

Just when the thought crossed my mind, I heard someone clear their nose and take a deep snort and spit out a major blob of sputum. It so happened that this environmentally conscious citizen was sitting at a window seat of a crowded bus and that window just happened to be right where I was standing. The blob of spit landed on my left leg, just above the ankle and forced me to lose my temper, scream at that guy, show him the finger thrice and call him a ‘Fuck-headed fucker.’

I returned home, put the pants in the washer and came to work late. I went back home at night to discover that someone had stolen the pair of pants. I pity whoever stole them.

Thanks for all the spit, you fuck-headed fucker. 😀

Published by Nikhil

Nikhil Kumar lives in Bangalore with his wife and their stuffed dog. They are both advertising professionals and lead very exciting lives on the streets, dodging traffic. Their fridge is filled with cans of Diet Coke and their water heater doesn't work. He doesn't smoke (up) anymore.

38 thoughts on “Thanks For All The Spit!

  1. ewwwww…..!!!!!

    I smell (ewww again) a conspiracy on ur missing pants…but do you???

    and btw, thts one of the best ‘about me’ I have ever read 😉

  2. relatively ignorant (I ignore my relatives).. ROFL 🙂
    The fuck header fucker must have stolen it :D.
    Spitting should have been the first thing that should have been banned from public places.
    Sale apne ghar ke andar kyun nahi thook te. why do you come on roads to display their talent!?

  3. @Varun
    LOL..!! Seriously, man! With all these nonsense laws being made, it’s about time they made a rule that’s actually sensible! 🙂

  4. Just when the thought crossed my mind, I heard someone clear their nose and take a deep snort and spit out a major blob of sputum — YEOOWWWW…..I just hate it when that happens or for that matter some crow shit esp..when you are dressed to go yo work..!!! EEEKS!

  5. I kinda knew that the question you did not know the answer to was where your pants were!! But….Ewwww!!! I hate it…When I ride my “bike” 😉 I try not to go near buses…I have this intense feeling somebody is gonna spit on my head! So, your jeans is not a bad thing…but losing them…what else can one expect of God’s yo-yo?! right?
    Hope the sweet girl realises how serious you are, if you really are that is! 😀
    Good answer to “Who am I?”

  6. ” I am supposed to be thinking of newer pick-up lines for the sweet girl who thinks I am being not serious when I say I like her a lot.” – Some girls are slow 😀
    Eww!! spitting – such a dirty habit!! I was once standing in the signal when I guy threw a coconut shell at me from the bus.. Some people are just so weird..

  7. @Apar
    Hehehehe!! Yeah, God’s yo-yo! You’re gonna meet him tomorrow, so be prepared! 😀
    I hope the girl realizes too! 😀

    Some girls are slow? Hmmm… Not this girl – she’s smart, but she’s probably just doing that to irritate me. 😀
    Coconut shells?? Ouch! That must’ve hurt! 😀

  8. Encountered this sentence tofay morning and remembered u .. So i’m putting it here .. sorry for the irrelevant comment though but u wont regret reading the sentence:

    If you purchased Rs 1,00,000 of Delta Airlines stock 1 year ago, you would have Rs 4,900 today.
    . .
    If you purchased Rs 1,00,000 of AIG stock 1 year ago, you would have Rs 3,300 today..
    If you purchased Rs 1,00,000 of Lehman Brothers stock 1 year ago, you would have Rs 0.0 today.
    But, if you purchased Rs1,00,000 worth of beer 1 year ago, drank all the beer, returned the aluminum cans for a recycling refund, you would have Rs 21,400!!!

  9. gross!!! I agree with vimal…spitting in public should be banned.

    Otherwise, ROFL!!! 😀
    If you really liked the jeans, then I feel sorry for you…

  10. @ Nikhil:

    As a former biologist you probably know that while spit has (some) antiseptic qualities – which is why mouth wounds heal the fastest – crow shit does not. It is in fact corrosive; leave some on your bike the next time you are blessed and you will find out soon enough by watching how the paint is damaged 🙂

    About the case of the missing trousers (I have to say trousers; pants in the UK mean something very different from what they mean in India and the US), well, good excuse to buy another pair no? The Levi’s on 100 Feet Road really impressed me, esp since they got me coffee and gave me chocolate while I waited for them to shorten my 3 patloons… All for £50. Sigh…

  11. Hello Mr. Yo-Yo

    Hmmm this reminds me of this lady in my aerobicus class who’s T-shirt was stolen while we were busily doing aerobics…it is a huge world and there are all kinds of people….

    Now go shopping buddy…I to need a reason to shop 😉

  12. I pity whoever stole your pants too. I suggest you lose that washer as well 🙂

    @apar – Totally agree. I get really worried when traffic jams force me to stop my bike adjacent to any bus. You never know when someone decides to spittle-bomb you.

    @soham shah – Have some mercy, pal. The last thing I want to know after checking the latest damage after the sub-10k performance is this trivia

  13. Maybe there was a conspiracy against you. The guy who spit on you liked your pants actually. So he planned to steal them. He spit on them because he knew that you will wash them then. He followed you the whole day and waited outside your house till you hanged the pant after washing it. And then, in one masterstroke, he was the owner of the pants. 😉

  14. Gross…The spit thing can happen only in India. I once saw a man spit out the window of a bus at a traffic signal and it landed on the guy’s hand in the scooter in front of bet i thanked my stars! and pant is any day better than direct contact with skin

    My first time here and I will be back 🙂

  15. hmm… spitting in public places is really a nuisance… and spitting on public is an untolerable sin! I experienced something similar to what you did, mate… the difference was, I was in an auto… and as it was turning in front of a crowded bus, an ******* spit right on my shirt… I had given him a piece of my mind, but realized these uncivilized creatures would never learn!

  16. That s probably the worst thing that can happen when u r traveling to your workplace. Crow shit happened to me once right on shoulder and I hadn’t even realized. By the time I did I was at office gates. Most embarrassing situation in my whole life.

  17. MAN! Getting your pants stolen has GOT to be the worst thing that can happen. And taking into account that I have only 4 pants. 😦 Scary.

  18. @Soham
    LOL… Good one, dude! 😛


    Haha! Yeah!

    It was a good pair of jeans… 😦

    Hehehe! My biology is weak nowadays…
    And yeah, this is the perfect excuse to buy new clothes!
    Levi’s is a bit out of my budget right now! 🙂

    Hehe! 🙂
    No, the washer’s fine… LOL…

    Hello Ms Yo-Yo!
    Yeah, the world is filled with strange creatures…

    @Avionic Spanker
    Hehehe! I should! 🙂

    My god! I thought it was Mel Gibson who acted in Conspiracy Theory! But it was you, wasn’t it??

    @Imp’s Mom
    Welcome to MirrorCracked!
    “Imp’s Mom”…??
    Glad you liked it here… Keep visiting! 🙂

    Hahahaha! Such weird people, dude! 🙂

    Hhehe… Crow shit has happened to me more times than I can count… 🙂


    @Mojo Jojo

    LOL… Yeah! 🙂

    Hehehe! Nice! Nice!

    LOL… Me too! Now, I just have 3..!! 😦

    Thoo ninna! I have reduced! 😛


    How do they do that??

    Hehe! I guess so! 🙂

  19. I tried thinking of answers for those very questions. Got stuck in the first question. And because of practice jumped to the last question to which I have a very straight forward answer! 😦 boring heh!

  20. just a thought ….don’t the westerners Spit? If they don’t then why is there a word (Spit) in their lingo for ‘ Spitting’? :O

  21. yeeeeeeeks ! spit on ur pants ! btw u wont believe it,acc to my mum ,one of my pants flew away when it was hung out to dry ! jeans n fly away !!! defying laws of nature 🙂

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