Why I Deserve The Nobel Prize

With a little less than three hours to go for the Nobel Prize 2010 Announcement Ceremony in Sweden, I have decided to enter the race in all the available categories. This post is meant to be read by the arbiters of the Swedish Royal Academy and I do hope that they don’t make the mistake of overlooking me and my remarkable achievements in this regard. I deserve the Nobel Prize for the following compelling reasons. I am an honest man and none of what I write below is falsified.

Nobel Prize in Physics:

I was the first man in the world to explore the physical properties and inconsistencies of photographic film, paving the way for stronger and more secure forms of image storage. This happened when I was ten years old and I took a brick and promptly broke open a 32-exposure Kodak film, the one that rolls into itself. You know what I’m talking about. I took the spoils over to the National Security Agency in the US of A and explained why they needed to invent digital cameras. They took my advice and the history (future?) of photography changed forever. I hereby nominate myself for the 2010 Nobel Prize in Physics for the discovery, invention and exploitation of digital cameras.

Nobel Prize in Medicine:

I was the first, and perhaps the only man in history to record a ten-second footage of what happens to the facial muscles when excessively stimulated by rock music. The video is available here. This discovery paved the way for the recent improvements in plastic surgery and permanent disfigurement clauses in the constitutions of the almost every country in the world. The very fact that you can walk up to a plastic surgeon and tell him/her that you want to look as handsome and stimulated as I do is a testament to my great discovery. I hereby nominate myself for the 2010 Nobel Prize in Medicine for great advances in plastic surgery.

Nobel Prize in Chemistry:

I was the first man in the world to ascertain the true nature of the drug whose comemrcial name is Aspirin. Acetly Salycylic Acid (ASA), as it’s chemically known, was a CIA invention aimed at monitoring the world’s population. Each and every molecule of ASA contains roughly 13 carbon atoms. What the CIA did was replace one of these Carbon atoms with a molecular camera. Anyone who swallowed a pill of Aspirin literally swallowed a tiny camera and gave the CIA complete access to their body’s interior. I discovered this great conspiracy when I accidentally hacked into the CIA’s database when I was five years old by solving a puzzle in a kids’ magazine. (This true life story of mine was then adapted into a movie called Mercury Rising and I made a lot of money out of it.) I brought the whole ASA conspiracy to the attention of the Interpol and they decided to stop the manufacture of Aspirin completely, thus safegaurding the privacy of the world’s population. I hereby, humbly, nominate myself for the 2010 Nobel Prize in Chemistry for revolutionizing the pharmaceutical industry with my own non-traditional ‘drug discovery’.

Nobel Prize in Literature:

MirrorCracked. I won’t say any more. I’m sure you agree.

Nobel Peace Prize:

Well, though I don’t exactly qualify for this award, I would like to bring to the attention of the Royal Swedish Academy that if I’m not given this year’s Nobel Peace Prize, I will sell the other four Nobel Prizes and buy cigarettes and distribute it to freshly-graduated smokers. Read as: 18 year olds. In order to avoid this, I think you should just call it a clean sweep and give me this prize anyway.

I will be available for comments and interviews.

Update: October 8, 2010, 00:01 AM: This article made the wordpress homepage.

Published by Nikhil

Nikhil Kumar lives in Bangalore with his wife and their stuffed dog. They are both advertising professionals and lead very exciting lives on the streets, dodging traffic. Their fridge is filled with cans of Diet Coke and their water heater doesn't work. He doesn't smoke (up) anymore.

62 thoughts on “Why I Deserve The Nobel Prize

  1. I read your post because it came up on the WordPress homepage and because I always look forward to the Nobel announcements.

    I just wanted to let you know that no individual is allowe to nominate himself or herself. There are also qualifications which must be met for those who do wish to nominate someone else.

    For more information about the Nobel rules, check out lis link: http://nobelprize.org/contact/faq/index.html

    Have a nice day.

  2. πŸ™‚ article is outstandingly humorous. I thought the theme contained delusions of gradiosity, a manifestation of Schizophrenia! πŸ™‚ Anyway it is good.

  3. Was Windows 7 your idea too?

    Thanks for the laughs. Although, I think I deserve the Nobel Peace prize for my amazing discipline in avoiding the slapping of each of my ex-boyfriends.

    Good luck, however in your appeal to win the other four. And hey, if the Swedes miss this post, there’s always next time.


  4. I think you should definitely get the nobel prize in Literature. If they don’t award you that, let me know and I will personally award you my own literature prize, created specifically in your honor. Can you say resume boost?

  5. If I can be one, any of your achievements, I think I will be the next president of my country.

    [I was feeling bored until I dropped by here.]


  6. As I understand it, most (all?) of this year’s winners have already been announced—you will have to wait at least another year. Apart from that, self-nomination is unlikely to work. Try publishing a few ground-breaking papers and wait for the world of science to react, emigrate and pretend to be a member of a population which has not yet won the literature prize, or profile yourself as the anti-Bush for a shot at the peace prize.

  7. hello this is the BACHA ALI BACHA. reppin that 5 star since 1955. but then liban choked on some chicken and killed lil ishmo. but when asadullah bhuiyan the second ate my son yonis’s teeth everything went allg like haseeb would say. the safari turned on for once and the seat became more spacious. my son yonis’s teeth were fine he wasnt eating the seats in the car or the couch.

  8. LOL! Nikhil, great to see you back in action (well I dont know if you were missing or I was, but either way!)… got to this post from your youtube video… its hilarious… what is even funnier is the first few comments who find this so objectionable!! perhaps, santa has some sense of humor for them this christmas! you can count my votes in for all 4 categories…

  9. well man u know what thats awsome that u were able to achiev all those things 10 years old dam that would be a achievment ! but u know what it seems no one cares real or fake so try to take it up with ripleys or the GWR ull probally get a reward from them for being hilarious…= ) and if it is real congratz on them and keep persuing your rights to what you deserve !!!best of luck ….!!!!

  10. Haha, what a great post! I also agree that you should win for literature. ;D Congrats on getting on Freshly Pressed! That’s a huge award itself!

  11. “I just wanted to let you know that no individual is allowe to nominate himself or herself. There are also qualifications which must be met for those who do wish to nominate someone else.”

    Seriously??? Hahaha, this was entertaining (the post, as well as this person’s comment).

  12. I think you should definitely get the nobel prize in Literature. If they don’t award you that, let me know and I will personally award you my own literature prize, created specifically in your honor. Can you say resume boost?

  13. hey nikhil this is humorous…i wonder why iT iS tagged under POSTS ABOUT HEALTH!!

  14. Honour then it is, to know you ! Least you can do now is to give the combined prize money off to charitable causes, and even all the post-award dinners cancelled and donated to the poor, as Mother Teresa did. Bravo !

  15. great, your blog put on in front of wordpress page.
    is it another nobel categorize in there?? πŸ˜€

  16. YOU GOT ME!

    I vote for you in the category of “Literature”.

    He Noble Prize Committee!
    This is next noble prize winner for you…..

  17. long time!!! yeah. hope u’re doing good nikkyboyyy!! well, It is quite late to claim a NP for physics now, u have done that earlier??

  18. The great Nobel Prize winners, say it would truly reflect the reasons for their award-winning, and their respective masterpieces are all made great contributions to the field, really bad oh

  19. You Dont The only person that deserves it is Darwin and he didnt get it cause hes dead…. so if he doesn’t have one then you certainly dont deserve one. πŸ™‚

  20. They should create a Nobel Prize for humility: you’d be able to take that one too. (Good stuff by the way…)

  21. These people have no sense of humor and apparently lack the gene to understand the difference between sincerity and tounge-in-cheek humor. A applaud you and the rest of those pucker-butts can go be stuffy and boring.

    Thank you for making Word-Press a more interesting place.

  22. man, that was funny !
    And it thoroughly deserved a ‘freshly pressed’ status.
    Interesting. I’m from Bangalore too, and I almost went to SUNY Buffalo for grad school before deciding to head to Maryland.

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