The Dummy’s Guide To Destroying Your Computer

Ah, so you somehow reached this page. Are you frustrated with your computer? Are you tired of waiting and waiting and waiting for Windows to boot? Are you going bald due to excessive hair-pulling? Do you want to kill your computer? If the answer to any of these questions is either “Yes” or “No” then you’re at the right place! This is my comprehensive guide to destroying your desktop/laptop computer without leaving any trace. It’s about time we hit back.

The Hard-where Kill

This is a technique that I have perfected over a period of time, and is perhaps the most effective way to destroy a computer. It involves speed, skill and timing, and should be practiced on a watermelon to assess yourself (avoid pumpkins; they’re a cliché). Contrary to a popular fairy tale that says the motherboard is the heart of the computer, I have recently made the startling discovery that computers are, in fact, heartless. This explains their lack of emotion, their oblivious indifference to our pleas of help and their disgusting attitude of throwing up sparks after a wet, sloppy kiss.

So, it’s wrong to assume that killing the motherboard will effectively kill your computer. You have to be more thorough.

The Hard-where Kill: Before And After

Stand at a height of exactly 14 feet off the ground, hold a watermelon in your hands and extend your hands in front of you to the maximum. Close your eyes, let go of the fruit and quickly turn back to avoid the blood splatter – all in one motion. This requires a lot of practice, and it’s useful to have at least three melons handy. Once you’re sure that you’ve got the technique perfected, go unhook the computer’s monitor and imagine that it’s the watermelon. It makes for great reality TV too, so be sure to call AXN or any of those other cheap-thrill TV channels to capture the shards of glass and innards of the monitor flying in all direction.

Once the monitor is dead, pick up the motherboard and dump it in your water tank. A clean kill.

Serves them right, the idiot boxes!

The Soft-snare Kill

This is a more delicate and time-consuming process that requires a lot of patience. Install Windows Vista and wait.

Windows Vista is an operating system that works on the principle of camouflage and deception. Appearances can be so deceptive – it will make the computer feel all warm and cozy and important, but it’ll kill your system from the inside completely and comprehensively over time. All you have to do is wait and smile an evil smile, showing the same amount of sadism and indifference that the computer had once shown you.

Serves them right, the bastards!

The Why-rus Kill

Computer viruses are ubiquitous in nature. There are people who have spent their whole lives writing malicious bits of code and dangerous programs (because they didn’t have anything better to do and their girlfriends/boyfriends ditched them and their parents didn’t love them enough), and there are people who have spent their whole lives trying to protect computers from these viruses (because they didn’t have anything better to do and their girlfriends/boyfriends ditched them and their parents didn’t love them enough).

A little-known method of killing a computer is to open up the motherboard and sneeze on it a million times a day, infecting it with snot, dirt, phlegm and of course, the rhinovirus. Mankind, who’s been around for so many millenia, hasn’t been able to find a cure for this virus (that causes cold and God only knows why it’s called a Rhinovirus!), and there’s no way in Hell the bloody computers will.

Serves them right, the dumb machines!

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