Message In A Bottle

Her memories still haunt me sometime. It has been half a decade since I last told her that I loved her, and it has been less than a year since she told me to die a painful death. Its strange how the heart works – it seeks out the unobtainable and covets it. I sometimes lie awake at night thinking about her face, her smile, her lovely hair, her scent, her eyes – and feel this incredible amount of pain coursing through every sinew, blaming myself for what happened and wondering what might have happened if things had turned out differently. I reach out to touch her lips and clutch at thin air.

I have caught myself wondering at times, whether she were the pinnacle of my existence. Whether everything I’ve done since she left, everything I’ve achieved or failed to achieve, all the adolations and the accusations that came after her, was just an insignificant grain of sand on a beach. I have caught myself at times, going through all those mails and letters we wrote to each other back then, expressing our undying, everlasting, unconditional love for each other. Maybe I was too young to realize what love really was. Or maybe I was too stupid to believe in its idealism.

I don’t know where she is, I don’t know what she is doing right now. I don’t know if she is married, has kids, is working somewhere or stydying something. I don’t have her email ID. I definitely don’t have her phone number. She doesn’t follow me on Facebook, Myspace or Twitter. And I don’t have her on any of my IMs. If it weren’t for the old email and letters that I have saved, its as if she does not exist. As if she had not existed in the first place. Someone as pure and as beautiful as her must have been ethereal, a figment of my imagination.

Just in case, hoping against hope, that she is out there somewhere, and hoping that she can read this, then all I want to say to her is that I do understand what love really is. This is probably my message in a bottle for her. I am keeping my fingers crossed and I hope that it gets picked up. I remember those days quite clearly. I remember those days so clearly that I wish things were that simple again. I wish life had not gotten in our way. I wish life would have remained so… completely musical.

Published by Nikhil

Nikhil Kumar lives in Bangalore with his wife and their stuffed dog. They are both advertising professionals and lead very exciting lives on the streets, dodging traffic. Their fridge is filled with cans of Diet Coke and their water heater doesn't work. He doesn't smoke (up) anymore.

11 thoughts on “Message In A Bottle

  1. My heart goes out to you. I’ve known this pain before and it’s difficult to face another day. I’ll be thinking of you.

  2. @Carrie
    Welcome to MirrorCracked! 🙂
    Thanks for the thoughts. Maturity is really a bitch, ain’t it? I want to be back in kindergarten, with a runny nose and a bully to punch. 🙂

  3. Hi Nikhil, I totally feel for you. You only realise what your have lost once its gone. I can feel the pain and sorrow in your post. I wish things would have turned out different for you and I wish that your find what you are searching for.

  4. I am sure many of us who read this post will start relating with their own such experience in the past. All of them would pause for a while, sigh a little, fondly/sadly thinking of those days….and then move on…

    An impressive post and I cant say more…. Just reminded me of few lines I put down sometime back….

    You get on with your life and I fade away in your thoughts
    I move on with all your memories, ever fresh and eternal
    As the time flies, the wounds leave the scars
    Ah! Dear, you are not the culprit, but I feel like a victim…

  5. I see my future in you macha.. it has been an year since… i was wondering where i would end up if i continued to be like this.. after reading this, i’m not sure if i shud continue like this or steer clear of the obstruction of a Lover’s memory..

  6. I keep coming back to this, nearly a month later, reading it over and again and wondering if you read my mind. Did you see into my heart? Could you have reached out and felt my soul breathe these very thoughts again and again? I quite literally ache for you.

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