How To Kill Your Landlord

After having a major fight with my conscience last night about whether to move out of the zoo I’m living in, I slept fitfully, trying out different options to hunt down and kill the rats that were wreaking havoc in the house. It’s not healthy in the first place. So, my instinct is to get the hell out. But slowly, the realization dawned on me that these rats were super-advanced than their dumb cousins in Bangalore.

They had evolved from being scavengers to being fine-diners; they hardly touched any of the rat poison pellets I’d left for them around the house. That’s when I made the decision to leave them be and focus instead on hunting down and killing my landlord.

My landlord is a stupid ninety-year-old fucker, who thinks he’s still young enough to drive a car by himself and lift a huge slab of granite all by himself. In hindsight, I think I should’ve let him do those things and let nature take its own course. But waiting for the elusive heart-attack takes a lot of patience, more than what I have.

So, I decided to take down two birds pests with one stone and came up with a brilliant scheme, worthy of a jail sentence just for the thought. Here’s how the four-step scheme works:

  1. Buy a rabid dog.
  2. Get the rabid dog to bite the old fucker.
  3. Get the rat to bite the rabid old fucker.
  4. Attend two funerals.

I was so pleased with myself that I went in search of a rabid dog this morning. The hunt is still on. I wonder why I keep having flashes of Hannibal in my head.

So, as you can see, I’ve been busy with matters of life and death, which is why I’ve been so inactive online. I hate myself for not having the time to respond to the comments and not having time to read any other blogs.

And I also realized that this is a great money-making scheme. If any of you want to kill your landlord, then get in touch with me. I charge by the hour.

PS: I’m not a professional killer-for-hire. I only kill landlords who are stupid fuckers. If you want me to kill anyone else, then I’m not interested.

PPS: If any law enforcement personnel are reading this post and raising their eyebrows and planning to come and arrest me, then I have two words for you fuckers – “Eat Doh-nuts!”

Published by Nikhil

Nikhil Kumar lives in Bangalore with his wife and their stuffed dog. They are both advertising professionals and lead very exciting lives on the streets, dodging traffic. Their fridge is filled with cans of Diet Coke and their water heater doesn't work. He doesn't smoke (up) anymore.

20 thoughts on “How To Kill Your Landlord

  1. Ha ha ha ha…..

    You *evil* man

    Move out!!!!

    Good luck in finding the rabid dog.

    If you need any help in the project ask me I have many frenz in Delhi and I can vouch they will be of no help πŸ˜€

  2. What a fucking nice brain you have. I love it man, I love it.
    Keep the fucking pen[keyboard] high…
    Cheers, Life is Beautiful πŸ™‚

  3. Niks oh God ….Wel dun dirty ur hands with that stupid old landlord…Jst get a cute little cat and then when it is about to litter leae it in the landlord’s house…. πŸ™‚

  4. Wow man!!! So much hatred for an old man!!
    Interesting….may be you should try to get him to read this post. He will surely give you an opportunity to attend his funeral. πŸ˜‰

  5. ah well.. you probably dont need to do any of this. Just let him lift the granite slab all by himself the next time.. πŸ˜›

  6. Tags- Delhi rent, apartment for rent, Delhi, rent, house for rent in Delhi, living in Delhi, How to kill a man


  7. you seemed a bit too annoyed there… and about the idea- If I’d ever to rent out my house, I’d make sure you are not the tenant…

  8. Gee – rats – how plesant. My sewer backs up just about every day now from faulty design the landlord refuses to repair. Sewage water backs up the drains of my private mobile home.. I persoannly am looking into the prospect of lobbing projectiles his way in hopes of a direct hit. Dont want to be in the crime aera at all if ya can help it. Like the rabid dog bit though!. Maybe should look for a couple hit men from the tribal reservations. Especiely if the fellow is causcian. They can always run back to reservation after accomplishing your task and be safe there. All in good humor to ya . Peace…

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