What The Fish?

What the Fish?Have you ever heard people saying the word ‘Fish’ instead of ‘Fuck’ in a sentence? I’ll explain exactly how annoying that is.

I dropped a piece of pie on someone’s carpet the other night and the woman said, “Oh, Fish!” I looked at her strangely and said, “No, ma’am. I’m Nikhil.”

It was her turn to look at me strangely and say, “No, I meant the pie.”

“Fish? I thought it was apple pie?”

She looked at me even strangely, half-angry at me for having ruined her carpet and half-annoyed at me for trying to be funny. I wasn’t being funny. In fact, I was genuinely stumped. I blabbered some incomprehensible apologies and ran out of there, and later realized that some people use fish as an alternative to expletives.

True, its a 4-letter F-word, but so is free, flan, flag, fork, fine, flip, flap, floo and fits, among others. Why not use these words instead of fish? And why fish, exactly? Is it because they’re dumb creatures who can do nothing but swim around all day long, staring at us with those cold eyes? Or is it because they have highly evolved sexual capabilities that threatens our potency?

The other day, someone asked me what the fish I was doing there instead of working, and I replied that I was fishing his happiness. He didn’t understand what I said and left me alone. So, if we were to use fish as a replacement for ‘fuck’, then here are a few things we could consider adopting in our vocabulary:

  1. Hey, baby. You’re so hot. Wanna fish? (Please, for God’s sake, don’t try this anywhere)
  2. Fish you, asshole!
  3. What the fish?
  4. Fish the fishing fishers.
  5. I didn’t realize he was such a fisher!
  6. I went on a fishing trip! Awesome weed, bro.
  7. Fish! I missed the bus.
  8. I got fished in the bank today.
  9. Fish me baby, one more time. (Fish you, Britney Spears!)
  10. … and so all the men started fishing all the women, happily ever after.

So on, and so forth. The list is endless.

But ever wondered what might happen if we actually want to go on a fishing trip with someone? I mean a real fishing trip, with boats, and water-bodies and fishing roads? Er, damn! The above sentence sounds so pervert! My point is that we’re probably ruining the sea-food experience of millions of people by using this alternative. Imagine asking a waiter in a restaurant for a fish, and he winks at you and calls you to the closet? Ugh! Scary thought.

So, let’s play safe and say fuck. Like normal people. Go on, say it. Make my fucking day.

Published by Nikhil

Nikhil Kumar lives in Bangalore with his wife and their stuffed dog. They are both advertising professionals and lead very exciting lives on the streets, dodging traffic. Their fridge is filled with cans of Diet Coke and their water heater doesn't work. He doesn't smoke (up) anymore.

10 thoughts on “What The Fish?

  1. \m/
    Awesome Weed bro!
    .Fucking stoned.
    Fish will never find a replacement here
    and nowhere else as well 😛

  2. This is fishing fantastic, fishing hilarious.

    Next time someone calls me to the fish market, I’m gonna chuckle 😀

    You are back in full form..

  3. Well. I love to use the term “what the fish” as an alternative to saying “what the fuck” . But then, why not try frog for a while???

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